Bringing Mom Home: Irrational Fear

An exhausted caregiver writes: “I’ve cared for my 94 year old grandmother for over two years. For the past year almost every night she tells me I don’t want her here. I have never said this to her, and for about a year I would sit and talk to her about it. But tonight when she started I walked out of the room and shut the door. She followed me to the living room and wanted to talk. I was already so aggravated I just went outside. She followed me all around the yard. She said she would call someone to come get her. I asked her who she was going to call as I am the only living person to care for her. I’m trying my best to deal with these daily outbursts. But it’s getting old going through the same thing every night.”What would you tell this dedicated caregiver? Can’t you picture Grandma pursuing her granddaughter out to the yard, giving vent to all her fears that she is not wanted, that she is a burden, perhaps that the granddaughter is stealing money or making plans to throw her out of the house? I hear the fear speaking.At some point in the dementia journey, a person no longer has the mental capacity to reason with herself and to understand what is a realistic threat and what is far-fetched. Every scary scenario seems possible, even likely. This is naturally followed by (what seems to the person) reasonable efforts to prevent disaster happening.In this scenario, Grandma is afraid her granddaughter doesn’t love her. She’s probably afraid of everything, really, but it focuses on the granddaughter because she can interact with her. She wants assurance, but no assurance is good enough to take away the anxiety that has its real genesis in a brain malfunction. Nothing can take it away (some medicines help with this, however). So she is like a person who continues to feel hungry no matter how much she eats. And no matter how much this dear granddaughter assures Grandma of her love and commitment, Grandma cannot receive it. This part of her is simply broken, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.This is a little slice of what it’s like to care for someone with dementia. This is why we need God to help us. So much is dumped on a caregiver, and it isn’t anyone’s fault and no one can fix it. It must simply be borne.